Monday, May 3, 2010

A false sense of sanctuary...

No one ever talks about the vulnerability that comes with Motherhood. The nights spent wide awake worrying because you reside in limbo, your least favorite place.
With all that I've been through and will continue to go through with Baby Ruth, I had ignorantly settled into a place of refuge in regards to the other girls health. "One is pain enough, I'm safe."
DUMB
My sweet, loving, gentle, kind, soft spoken, fragile daughter...why you? You were so brave today during your CT scan, you even smiled through your tears. I, however, did not mirror your courage when the doctor called this afternoon, "Cystic lesion in the pituitary area of the brain."
In my shock induced fog I also heard, "big...Pediatric Neurosurgeon...doesn't mean surgery... reason for headaches...yes he's worried."
My chest is sore. I look at her and I'm in denial. I look at her head and think...no...huh...it's really in there?? Almost a...I don't know. If it's a protection mechanism, I'm not interested. I want to feel this for her. Only then can I feel the awesome sense of relief that will come when this is done. It's a relief that I've only ever felt once before...I don't want to share. Only a parent who has feared for the life of their child and had it come out right knows what I'm talking about. You never forget it...it can move mountains.
I believe things like this happen so we can see straight again.
Here's to seeing straight and the sometimes long road that gets you there.

2 comments:

  1. My heart is with you darlings.

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  2. I've never been able to express those feelings with such eloquent emotion...Love, Di

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