Thursday, July 12, 2012

Shades of grey...

This morning I woke up in a world without my mom.

Yesterday a judge sentenced her to 4-10 years
for embezzlement that spanned a decade...

Three years ago my world was black and white...
now all that remain are shades of grey.

My newly born gratitude for our twisted prison system
 is running on a reel in my mind.
She gets a TV
She gets books
She gets help
She gets visitors
She can get hugs from visitors
She can make phone calls
She can go outside
Life takes us many places that we would never choose to go...
Places that fall under the "It's for your own good" category.

Although she'll probably learn many things during her time,
I'm not talking about my mom...

I'm talking about me.

Today I'm in a place where a mother has to tell her
children that they won't see Grammy for a little while...
Grammy has to stay in a place where she can
make her wrong choices right...

Today I'm in a place where I understand that
for many of my moms fellow inmates there are
all on the outside, aching for them on the inside.

I woke up many times last night...
each time figuring the time change and wondering what
she was doing at that moment...
Is she in pain?
She has a bad back you know...
Is she sad?
She was very strong for us yesterday
I can't imagine it lasted...

During her hearing the judge gave her a chance to speak...
"I know nothing I can say can make this right.
But I am sorry"
Judge: "You're right it can't"
Judge again: "You're remanded into custody, Bailiff..."
They went over, handcuffed my mom, and took her away.
Before she walked out of the room
she turned around
smiled at my sister who was there with her
and said
 "I love you"

I go back and forth...

Mr. Ed has billions...
was not even half a million worth where my mom is now...
I don't know...

Like I said...
shades of grey...
I love you Mom...
Someday my girls may grow up
and decide that I was a terrible mother...
I only hope that they are more forgiving of me than I have been of you.

I miss you.
3 years 364 days to go...


  1. My heart is breaking for you and your sister. I know that this is so hard for you. I am grateful every day for you. I truly think of you and your sister as my "girls". I know that it's not the same but, you are not alone.

    Aunt "Cakes"